Inside Out
The door is closed but I can see through a window shade.
You’re standing there on the inside.
It’s getting cold. I shiver out here all alone.
I’m waiting here on the outside.
On the outside.
You seem to think because I was born on a different street,
We’d have no chance together.
Though I come to you with a different point of view,
We’re both the same on the inside.
On the inside.
(We’re hanging on your every word)
Whisper in my ear your plans to get a way from here.
Will you run with me on the outside?
On the ouside.
Don’t be afraid of the choices that you’ve made.
They’ll all work out on the outside.
I took some time to tell the world that you’d be mine,
Here with me … together.
Together.
Boundaries
Truth and false, yes and no, right and wrong
Extremes, extremes, life is full of extremes.
Ignorance and intellect, wealthy and poor, happy and sad,
Friendly and mad.
Sane and Insane.
Why can’t life be a little simpler???
Instead of having good and bad, why can't there just be good ... or bad?
If there was just bad then there wouldn't be any good.
Which means there would be no bad, because bad would be everything;
bad would be good, mediocre, repulsive, energetic, horrifying.
There would be nothing else but bad.
There would no other Extreme to reach.
Saviour
"Are you searching for a saviour?
Are you waiting for a god to come?
Someone who will hide you
from the things you've done?"
An Understanding
Try to understand me now, as I speak to you defined.
Is it just your freedom or do you also want mine?
I know that you honestly do as you please,
You play with what’s reality, and what’s not, you take with ease.
And I see you cry unendingly, and I try to make you see,
The world’s a great, big forest and we’re all just lonely leaves.
See you in Eternity, and see you in the End,
And free the well-earned partisans, and capture all their friends,
Fortunes of an empty world, can’t spend on Time’s refuse,
And you and I can't make us love, so tell me “what’s the use?”
Time’s an everlasting loop that ends where it begins,
And Love is more than kissing you and saying stupid things.
So you ask me where to start this trip,
And where it's leading to,
And you question how it’s going to look
And what it's looking through.
You scream and cry, and dare defy,
You can't believe your ears,
When I say “Love is more than happiness, pain, joy, and fears.”
There is wonder and astonishment on your face as you decline,
For all the love you gave to me was not the honest kind.
Can’t you understand the trials you will endure?
For you may someday find your love, but this, one can't be sure.
Loneliness:
a state of mind that cannot be shared.
Life
Life is what you make it, and not what it makes of you, yet still I fear the growing of old.
When not within my mind, if I die, I believe, my friend, that Death is a poor escape from the torments of life.
No matter what I seek, I am on my guard, and I never let my mind take full control over my emotions, for if this should happen,
only the Heavens would appreciate what my thoughts are,
and my successes would be unknown, for I will no longer be of this world.
I seek, and shall continue to seek, answers no matter what odds are played against me.
For my will to survive and my great need for knowledge is my formula for undying life.
Without these self-set demands, my purpose here would be meaningless.
And to all those who would search channels of time with me, come along, and we shall do what is in our hearts.
And to all those who would try to defeat our purpose, let them set their wills to the test, for the mind cannot compete with the heart.
For in the mind lies the knowledge of danger and conquest, while in the heart, is the courage that can drive any man towards any danger ….
The heart possesses the will to win. There is no test between the knowledge and the will. Without the will to learn, man would not learn,
and without the courage to survive, man would die. So play these words in your mind and think carefully.
Before you start this journey, be sure that your heart precedes your brain by at least two steps.
For Sarah
For wanderers seeking - yet to find
A meaning for life - left behind.
Run to catch - but never to keep.
The future’s bold. No time to weep
Over things been done and words all said
Believe in now and don’t regret
The things to come though hard they seem
Life is Love. Love is Life. What does it mean?
To conquer your foes and be what you want
Live in your castle: Triumphant.
And feel all your feelings and try not to fall
Because, life is for living. And living is all.
Image
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Tell me all I want to know
There’s a face that all I see
Is laughing, screaming, right at me.
Pain! Yeah! That’s not me!
Every time I look into that glass
There’s no telling how long I’ll last.
And every time I look into those eyes
I’m not shocked when I see my disguise.
Find some truth in what I see,
There aint no harm in being me.
Laughing, screaming, seeming strong!
Don’t look at my image and tell me I’m wrong.
Waking Up
Morning cries out to me in the stillest way,
Night has taken its leave and I am not to worry,
for I take my own leave and am not to blame
for the poor way that Dawn takes control over the Eve.
This is the time that I can say:
“Dearest Death, the throws that possess me have me in tears,
Because I cannot explain the remorse that has overtaken me.
Sweet Tears take me over.
I wish to fall subject to the comforting pains that accompany you.
The gentle sigh that follows is the satisfaction I long for.
Sweet Peace overtakes me.”
Now here I stand, with my blood drenched hands,
My fate does fit my Sin,
A broken heart and a troubling mind,
Is cast with me, locked in.
A young girl broke, so tenderly.,
At first it seemed undone,
But later followed Agony,
With Misery yet to come.
Yes, I’m to blame. Yes, I confess,
To taking’ what was not mine.
A virgin’s prize, that now is missed,
And now I’m losing mine.
Tymor Park
I am driven by the winter. Ice on my skin … Ice in my hair. My feet crunch through the frozen snow. I am walking with friends who speak gently and softly. They take me on a journey to the fields, where the birds fly in wide circles and the wolves run wild. The sky is overwhelmed with clouds and the trees embrace each other to fight the cold. I wipe the frost from my face and eyes to better see this vision as I am led along trampled walk ways around and up the hill. I’m compelled to march with short steps more left and right than forward to keep from losing my stance. My shortness of breath stalls me but briefly as I imagine why I’m here. I can’t remember ever being anywhere else. I should have worn warmer gloves. The tips of my fingers are numb. My companions turn silent and offer no explanation for the numbing cold, as if there was never anything else. As if the bitterness was always there. Glancing at them, I wonder if they feel the same. Do their bundled fingers hurt like mine? Have they become immune to the harsh elements? Without knowing, the hilltop is beneath me. The air has become deafening with its emptiness and I am alone. Where have my guides escaped? Why have they left me? Spinning around, the tree tops blur and the horizons fall further into the distance. The sun has fallen to dusk. No sounds. No souls. My legs become soft rubber. I close my eyes and fall to my knees, sobbing. Something has surfaced from deep inside that I thought was gone … a memory and a feeling. I grimace to bring the experience in more clearly but can only recognize small slices of it. Blocking out the outside world I assembled the pieces into an incomplete picture, and I was able to roughly discern the image of my lost friend, Katie. Katie is walking through the trees, her golden coat blending in with the summer’s foliage. Intermittent slivers of sunshine contrast the dark green forest and spotlight her luscious fur, as if she was a movie starlet, snaking through crowds of admirers. She stops every so often to see if I am still watching. (cont.)
Of course, I am. Her dark eyes telling me, speaking to me from the dense: “I cannot come to you now, but I am here with you. I hear you when you call my name, but I cannot come to you, now.’ She sniffs the ground, and noses the shrubs. Her tail is like a fiery flag following her every step. I narrow my stare to track her as she winds through the brush. Here and there, she disappears. I call her, but she cannot come to me, now. She has wandered off and I am again, alone …. I feel wasted and drained, and weakly get to my feet. The chill has returned and the hours have passed. The sky is black, spotted with speckled light. The birds have nested and the wolves have begun their nightly hunt. Lunar light edges the rock hard path and the trees have become a curtain, framing the way back down the hill. My steps become heavy as the descent pulls me back to the fields. I can hear the voices of my friends as their forms emerge from the shadows and they are calling my name … gently offering to take me back … to the winter.
Vacillations and Untitled Works
To my feelings, with the deepest regrets:
I wish to inform you that I will no longer be subject to the remorse and o
ther odd and feeble changes that go along with the accepting of your presence.
There is no way that I will again be the slave to your wishes,
and the penalties that will be bestowed upon you will most outrageous
and more horrid that can ever be dropped on any condemned.
For security I pay the price
For life I meet the demands set
For love I die and form again
For joy I search until I'm met.
For friends I do what I'd want for me
For talk I listen to other minds
For thought I think beyond my scope
For peace I sing along with rhyme.
For fear I fight and try to win
For rest I sleep and start again
For beauty I just turn to you
For me I do what I must do.
If I could but eternal live,
I'd find out I cannot,
Ever sense the gift of love,
Tho it's given me a lot.
As I form enormous tales, of gaily gilded parks,
I remember paths and unlit trails, and walking in the dark.
This proves to me a mindless void to set up every time,
An everlasting passing boy, and his past life was mine.
Oh sweet peace I long to see and taste the fruits you bear
how can I live and never give and still believe you're there.
Though you haunt me for all time it seems you jump at me too soon
I imagine that you sing my song but always change the tune.
I've tried to catch you frequently … At times I almost did
And slipping out into the night I sought out where you hid.
Now it's claimed throughout this war-torn land
that soon in fact you’ll be,
All along you’ve been beside my soul …
I'm too blind too see.
There have been times that I can recall
They sure seemed big, but really, they were small.
I cannot find the reasons why
I believe we’ll find them if we try.
I’ve got you to depend upon
You’ve got me - that has never gone.
They say we fell but I say we’ve grown
Just ask around the people that we’ve known.
The way is hard I know we’ll last
We’ve got more than those with just one chance.
And now and then you’ll cry a tear
But keep in mind I’ll always hold you near.
I’ve been a fool so many times
I’ve taken love and fouled the rhymes.
The song’s still there though out of key
The words still mean my love’s from me.
I sometimes sit and contemplate
And think of life; the pleasures we make.
And I still regret the things I do
But you’ve got me, and baby ... I’ve got you.
Is there the formula of the mind and the solution for the mindless?
People tend to erase from their minds the frightening experiences of life, but to no avail.
My beliefs are that if a person wishes to eliminate a bad thought (or feeling) he must learn first how to accept that thought as
only being a thought, and to understand it thoroughly. In the event of the thought returning,
go back and look again to know if you have truly seen all there is to see.
For if you miss one small part of the picture, it is incomplete.
In every light I seemed to see
A knowingness that evolved 'round you
A thoughtfulness that seemed to be
Eternal and forever true
And everything that meant to me,
Was everything; which seems like you.
The only philosophy that can ever be of use to man is that which states:
I, in my own existence, must set aside my hopes from my dreams.
I must keep dreaming my dreams and do no more with them.
I must keep striving for the fulfillment of my hopes.
In this reality, can I ever hope to succeed."
While in the midst of internal turmoil
I chanced to see
A fountain blooming lightning
And a mirror showing me.
And in the shape of a mountain’s crest
A million feelings felt
A happiness not meant to be
Until the snow had melt.
The realization came to past
The shock was that it's true
The more I cry; The more I die
The more that I need you.
More too often I sit and sigh,
For now is all ever, as Time travels by
And cantors cannot voice their praise,
As vessels and their powers raise,
To be unheard is to be disturbed,
And to sit and cry as all time travels by.
In every beginning there is an end,
As tomorrow finds solitude, and War finds a friend,
As sequence finds order, and life finds a trend,
So does the straightest also bend
And love can't remember as time can’t foresee,
And I can’t distinguish the follow or flee,
And it's relaxing to fight for to be,
And it's unheard of, so let’s wait and see.
While trying to decipher the things of the past,
Remember you can't save us all in only one Mass.
Is Life to be played with as die on the board?
Or, does it not matter what's said of the Lord?
Get resolved as we noticed, and not what we missed,
Together they praise us yet divided, dismissed.
Forgetting the sermon and remembering the sin,
Forget to stop it and forget to begin,
Eventually ceasing and here we can stay,
I’m happy just knowing. What more can I say?
Trials find their way to the past,
While errors keep moving like first comes in last.
And guilty relations are severed apart,
Then mind comes to reason as courage to the heart.
Eventually as we look and see, fall lifeless, endlessly.
Separate billings, trials, retarding together,
A form of pleasure … and sometimes joyous,
to a different drummer.
Waking sunshine, eternal fire, not making much of reality,
Nor finding together, almost lovely, a treasure lost,
Cannot be explained, though sometimes every day, every time.
We float uneasy, as we drift ruptured, as we live dying -
For blues as they be, are not all colors, but form a great spectrum.
And living thoughts, popular as they seem,
Can be all so real for now I to see the fall.
Baby crying. Father everlasting, yet nowhere,
To behold a crimson span that comes after me.
What does it matter? Does failure bring death?
Oh, cry, Eternal fire!
Burn me peacefully, and let me sing
An emotion that can't be spoken.
Oh, for the love of you! Let me die the final death.
Let the sun fall on me. For,
Shining deep, is not always rewarded.
Forever but not everlasting.
Pray dear God, to let the pitfalls rise.
Oh, let me lift the load and form the sting.
Was it not meant to be this way?
Forming the Castle of Rock to be built upon these sands?
So that they may be built and fall, and be washed into the Sea.
Only to be re-built by some passing mystery.
And then to repeat ... and then a defeat ... does it mean the end?
Or does it cause a new dynasty to be ruled by you
Where I believe these happenings to be real?
As real as the belief that takes us through stages,
As real as the unheard voices of sages
As real as the questions we must ponder
As real as the hope that’s just over yonder.
If you live only for one,
You live almost for none.
In an evening of infinity I came to see
A shadow of eternity
And while I gazed into the night
I chanced to see a warning’s light.
It came to me so carefully
At first I was ashamed
That I would doubt the realness of...
Its realness ... and its name.
Oh come to me I need you so
Oh come and let me see
Oh come eternal Pleasing Fire
Oh come ... and light on me.
The heavens shake and the Earth it moves
While cleansing the whole world wide
The flames burnt sin -- let's start again...
For the whole world just had died.
The uncontrollable desire to engage in the unmentionable
is a source of an initiative worth mentioning.
Because of the unusual circumstances surrounding this situation,
I am forced to re-solve some of my previous intentions and dissolve the remaining.
Now is the time to decide the difference. Now is the time to distinguish the necessary from the trivial.
Fortunately for the person to succeed me, the way will not be very uncomfortable. For the way has been paved …
the way has been decided. However, if these persons be unwilling to travel on the course prepared,
then they will be forced to pave their own, this in turn would make my troubles meaningless.
Can I be spared the anguish and fear, the struggle, the failures?
If only I could be sure!
If only I could predict my fate and the fate of my own successors.
Ah, for tears to overcome me.
Ah, for the sweet tears of pain and trouble.
Yes, the tears are longed for.
For the sweet contentment that follows the desperate cry
is the most glorious state to which I could be subjected.
Unfinished short essay
Although there are more than a hundred countries, dozens of religions, and a vast array of cultures, there are only a few distinct societies in the world today. Each one articulates its own mantra, mission, beliefs, and laws... whatever you want to call it… its own “personality” that enables the members to live together. This also, on a greater scale, enables societies to coexist with each other … those societies that share the basic, universally accepted standards such as peace, tolerance, human rights, etc.
These “personalities” are defined by acceptance … not necessarily by agreement. Many people believe that the terms of living in a society require people to abide by the rules accepted as guidelines by their society but also believe that as individuals they are entitled to express disagreement with those rules … a right protected by the accepted belief in free speech.
However, in many, not all, parts of the world, if a person disagrees with the rules of a society to the degree that life within that society has become unbearable; they are free to seek out or create a different society. Many times these will exist within a larger, umbrella society. Other times these will be totally separate from, and unrelated to, any other society ...
What kind of feelings do I possess now?
I have just encountered doubt ... not the doubt that I hold for myself ... it is the doubt I encountered when someone doubted me. The lack of trust. The lack of faith that I expected ... the faith that I felt was due me. I strive towards goals that I never strived for before ... goals that I must reach ... goals necessary for my life ... the life that I now hold so dear to me ... the life that I now see as something more than just plain existence. I have finally put some value on myself' and the ways that I act ... and ... I encounter a setback: a trivial, menial, but discouraging form of defeat. Alas, my friend ... is this really defeat? Or is this some sort of excuse I have fallen upon … an excuse that I can use to justify my own failure? This I say then: “let any man try to stop me. Try it, fools! Try to stop me! I am insane with the will to live ... insane with the will to survive. Can you stop me? Try! Better to try damming your cursed soul if you think even in your wildest dream ... that you can stop me! Impossible! Do you understand? I say impossible. Tempt me if you must; strike me if you dare ... and if you should attempt to hold me ... if you should attempt to stop me ... you will only defeat your own pathetic means of survival. Your life? No, I would never relieve you of your perfect means of wretchedness ... your only means of death ... your only means of torment. No, this, I permit you to keep. This, I permit you to cherish ... even in your distorted mind. Do you enjoy this sense of freedom? ... this feeling that allows you to think that you are not imprisoned? Even though you know that the reality of this situation is that you are imprisoned ... in a prison that allows no escape. Yes, you will be tormented for the rest of your existence, never to return to the life of the free. You will be caught in the tunnel of time ... the tunnel of no end ... where not even death is an escape … and to this I will condemn your miserable soul until eternity arrives at a cease ... then shall you escape life ... likely to be brought forth into the company of Hell.
Revival stands with open arms
And antiques lay unused.
Where modest face and lands misplaced
And legs and feet are fused.
If you don’t believe this clip of tales
If you think that they’re untrue
Every now and every then
The trouble is with you.
Man is never satisfied with what he has ... more and more,
Just give meaning to time,
Just give me a little more time, A little more time.
The forgotten Savior, whose life is incomplete,
can only believe in the limits of his knowledge ...
but, the popular Redeemer is open to new horizons in the field of intellect.
Beautiful dreams can not to be screened
And the knowledge for this is new,
For every now and every then,
The trouble is not you.
You can't believe that in this world
The people do not cry
And in this place I sense this taste
That responds to who knows why.
(excerpt from Reds)
They've taken all my money; beat me to the ground;
choked the breath right out of me ... my throat won’t make a sound.
Still they stand before me, lying to my face.
How could they do the things they do? It's such a big disgrace.
Well, you can see that I'm still here. I will stand up tall and never run away.
I would never let you down ... as long as I'm around.
God ... Rest these old soldiers
... and one more thing ...
How we spend our lives has more to do with those who remember us
than those whom we've forgotten.
